Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Green thumbs are itching, depressed people are twitching, and the rain babies are chitter-chattering — spring is right around the corner. Get ready for a different kind of fun this month.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) So, Soup Can can't go more than two issues without mentioning the Blazers. We still have a shot at the "8" spot. Too bad none of the white-bread reporters at the "O" or the "Trib" waged resigning if the Blazers made the playoffs this year. Can we get a trade with another newspaper? Because I can't even take these guys seriously anymore.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Soup Can Sam has his image on the new Street Roots bumper-sticker. See what giving shitty advice gets you? Just ask the mayor — someone told him a strong mayor system was a good idea. I bet the mayor will have his own bumpersticker too. "Liberal mayor gives city to business thugs!" Watch out what kind of bumpersticker you become.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Run for the hills, or at least the coffee shop. The world is too cool not to enjoy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) OK, so the world isn't all that cool if you're trying to have coffee in Baghdad. Drop everything and get to the Pentagon. Do it for Abby, do it for good, do it for rock ’n’ roll, do it for the coffee, too. It's time for everyone to stand up, and say, "No more. Nope! Nada!" Bring them home!
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Flowers are cool, plant some.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Last week, the Drug Czar announced from Portland that the federal government is encouraging schools to give random drug tests to students. Soup Can Sam just thinks you should take random drugs in protest of the Drug Czar.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Isn't it strange that we live in a country with more than 2 million people behind bars, most of them nonviolent drug offenders, and we still somehow figure out ways to follow the philosophies of uptight white men who get votes by promising to put us all in prison? Do drugs. Avoid jail. Vote, goddammit!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Smoke grass, and dance.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I have to pee. It's strange getting old. Live.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Talk is cheap; Portland is kind; everyone loves each other until it's 5 o'clock and it’s time to punch out. Then everyone's assholes. Try not to be an asshole this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I'm leaving the last horoscope of the day for you to decide. The world is waiting — for something. None of us have it figured out. Oh, come on, you always knew it was up to you anyway.
