Gemini (May 22-June 22)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Oh, I guess you too, Cancer.
Cancer (June 23-July 23)
Quit stealing Gemini’s thunder! Happy birthday to you, enemy of Thor. Whatever that means.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)
Men are attracted by the delightful fragrance of a good perfume. The alluring fragrance of perfumes temporarily interrupts the passage of neural responses, allowing 3 to 5 seconds
to remove watches, wallets and valuables. Of course your brain can be pick-pocketed in less than a second, so don’t buy everything people are selling.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
This constellation has been removed due to cosmic instability. Please consult your Farmer’s Almanac for further instructions and directions to the next closest astrological
sign.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
It’s time to get into the groove of things - maybe fall in love or fall out of love. Transformations in your love life this week will allow you to break on through to
the other side.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Doing something for somebody else — like whatever they say. That’s bad. Not only for you, but for everyone involved. The more you’re bossed around, the less
likely you’ll live the life you want. Dump it!
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
If you can read this, please let Johhny know that mommy wrapped his bacon in
his dirty underwear and left it in the compost pile. Don’t let your mother run your life!!!
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19)
Run away from things that growl and those growling, snarling beasts will chase you, That’s why the primaries get so ugly. Don’t be afraid to stand up to something this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19)
Fry it, cook it, grill it, Fox News is still too much to stomach. Try something closer to home for relief, say KBOO, The Portland Alliance, oh you’re already reading Street Roots. You’re fine!
Pisces (Feb.20-March 20)
Chew 2 twice daily: sucrose, calcium carbonate, corn starch, talc, mineral oil, adipic acid, artificial flavors, sodium polyphosphate, red 40 lake, blue 1 lake. And die 12 years too soon!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When you hear I think I’m in love it is time to bring out the paperwork. Don’t wait until they take the toilet home and realize that it’s designed to be a
bidet. Did you see the enema thingamagig in the Rose Parade? Only in Portland, love it.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
When your Mom told you that no means no we all know you believed her, you just should have thought more carefully about cooking.
