Gemini (May 22-June 22)
Not the month to be skittish, says the planet
formerly known as Pluto. The little guy bouncing around on the edge
knows of what he speaks. It's time to step up and be counted. You
can take the hit, and be a better person for it.
Cancer (June 23-July 23)
Practically speaking, you're never going
to jiggle the shiggle like Shakira. But the moves will be your
own, a little bumpy and not so humpy, but better for originality.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)
Go easy on the discs this month, and maybe
for the rest of the year until you can afford that digital download
crap. We're filling Mother Earth with toxic metals and pollutants,
and those guilty pleasures, such as your new copy of the "Bad
Housewives” series, aren't worth it. Go hardcore or heed the
preach.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Take the bull by the horns this month.
Everything you can imagine is going to get thrown at you. Be
strong. Duck. Roll with the punches. It's not going to let up
until the Virgin shows up next month.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
This is definitely the
month for hotdogs and bacon. Of course, that means next month goes
to kale and tofu. You're choice.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Aahhh, nothing says summer
in Portland like the smell of feral cat piss in the morning. The
warm days bring out the best in the pussies. It could bring the best
out in you, too, if you paused for a second to consider what that
was.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
This is the month you should pass
on advice — all
of it, except Soup Can, of course. This is the month to rely
on your own wits and whims. If it feels wrong, stand up against it.
If it feels right, dive in. Relax in the flow of your own inner current.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19)
Leaders come and go,
but we’re
the people who get to manage their legacy. We can choose to perpetuate
ignorance and oppression, or use the gap in reason and sanity
as a lesson against future gaping holes, like the one in the ozone.
Sorry to be such a kill joy, Cappy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19)
Pink isn’t your
color. Never will be. Don’t try to be nicey-nice if it doesn’t
suit you.
Pisces (Feb.20-March 20)
Just thank your lucky
stars you don't live in Southern California. Portland rocks in 12
different ways. Enjoy it!
Aries (March 21-April 19) Jupiter couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery, says Uranus, who advises you to discontinue your current route of guidance and head toward the nearest brew pub — authentic brew pub, that is. Where the smell of hops digs into your pores like clams to soft sand. Mmmmm, clams...
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Never be afraid to face
those daunting chores ahead of you. It's time to rise and shine.
Don't worry about sleep, worry about being awake. Find time for fun.
