Staff Reports
Project managers for the Columbia River Crossing, also known
as the “Bridge to Nowhere II,” announced today that the $27 billion project
will get a new consultant in the spring.
“We’re really happy to be bringing on Sarah Palin,” says
Richer Bytheday, a spokesperson for the project. “We know that by completing
this project, Alaska will be that much closer to Oregon residents.”
Oregon and Washington Democrats have struggled to convince
their state’s Republican officials to sign onto the Bridge to Nowhere II
project. This move sends strong signals that they’re willing to work with
anyone to get the job done, sometime in the future, at a price that has yet to
be determined.
Palin declined to comment on the details of the deal, only
saying that if she takes the job there will need to be significantly more
studies done on the issue. “There’s still so many unknowns. It will be
important that we understand exactly how to build this thing,” she said.
Local consultants who have been making money hand over fist
for the past five years say that their grandkids’ retirement should be taken
care of by the time Palin takes over and they’re fine with the changes.
One former Oregon Democrat named Jefferson Smith says if he
were still in office he would lock himself to his desk and go on a hunger
strike over proposed changes.
“Luckily, Jefferson’s only platforms are Facebook and some
dog on Twitter,” says a Democrat who wanted to remain anonymous.
Asked why he changed his vote in the last two months after
railing against the project for the past three years, the Democrat said,
“Politics are complicated. Have you ever thought about how hard it is to
actually build a bridge to nowhere?”
Voters concerned with the project are being asked to call a
hotline that to-date has not been set up. Testimony given on the outline will
be duly noted by someone, probably.
This article is part of Street Roots’ annual satire edition released each year for April Fools Day.
This article appears in 2013-04-01.