Governor signs
sponsorship deal with Nike
Go. John Kitzhaber recently signed a sponsorship deal with
Nike worth several hundred million dollars.
The governor says he feels that the Oregon-based shoe giant
has been key to his ongoing success and that he couldn’t be more happy about
the deal.
“It’s a real honor for a country boy like me to get this
kind of deal,” says Kitzhaber. “I was worried that governors from other states
might be in the running.”
Kitzhaber told reporters that he hoped by signing the deal
he was trailblazing a path for other team members of the Oregon Democrats to be
open to signing a deal too.
Nike declined to comment at press time saying they would
have a team of attorneys release a statement later in the week. The total
amount of the sponsorship has not been disclosed.
Vendors recover lost,
discarded items, most reunited with owners
The recovery of a 2012 Olympic Silver Medal in the women’s
all-around live pigeon shoot by a Street Roots Vendor last month was just one
of the many items vendors have found and safely returned to their owners.
Vendors often find lost items on their turf. In December,
one vendor recovered a pearl-studded gimp mask in a flower pot near the Fifth
Avenue cart pod. Fortunately, the item had an ID tag and phone number sewn
inside, which the vendor called. The mask was reunited with the owner within
minutes, he said.
Other items include a crate of feeder mice, a loaded 9-mm
Glock magazine, and a slightly burned 471-page report on the Columbia River
Crossing by the Government Accounting Office.
All but the GAO report have been retrieved by happy owners.
Au Naturel gets down
and dirty with trendy ice cream market
Au Naturel, a boutique ice cream cart going in on the lot
occupied by goats at Southeast Belmont Street
and 10th Avenue, will offer customers something that has been lacking in
Portland’s previous incarnations of small-batch ice cream parlors — flavors
from the Earth.
“We really wanted to cater to a niche market of Portlanders
that doesn’t typically get served by Portland’s small batch ice cream shop,”
said George Carter, the shop’s proprietor. “We were just tired of seeing so
many boring flavors in these shops. Vinegar and Cracked Black Pepper, Olive
Oil, banana-rama-ding-dong — they’re all so boring and lack originality. I
wanted to create something that will bring my customers back to the earth.”
Flavors on the Au Naturel menu include Dirt, Fern,
Psilocybin Mushroom, Deer Pellet, Hemp, and all will be extracted from elements
found in the forests around Portland.
“I really like spending a lot of time outside, man,” says
Carter. “Most of my weekends are spent in the great outdoors, so I can, like,
bring all these elements back to the city and serve them for everyone to enjoy.”
This article is part of Street Roots’ annual satire edition released each year for April Fools Day.
This article appears in 2013-04-01.