Gemini (May 21-June 20) Big Brother PRISM is watching you. Re-read Orwell’s “1984” and freak out. Embrace the dystopian future!
Cancer (June 21-July 22) OK, so we can’t trust the government with our personal information. Not exactly a forehead smacker that one. But you have to trust someone, especially about that thing with the hoodag and the diagnosis.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Today is the day where you have no fucks left to give. Let out your oppositely dilated pupils and rock that Marilyn Manson t-shirt you put away in the late 90s because your friends were judging you so hard.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Your summer color is chartreuse — and ever-changing flesh tones.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Big checks are in the mail! Check your box frequently, with hope and enthusiasm, and you will be rewarded.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) Your music choices this month will not be popular. However, they will be a bigger hit than your choice in hair products. None of this should influence you to change a thing. You’re perfect the way you are.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) Fashion check: Go medieval and wave a big sword. Works day and night.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) Fourth of July fireworks are only a few weeks away. Eschew hair spray.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A great, giant pumpkin holds all your life’s dreams and treasures. I know, that’s what I said: WTF, universe? But the stars don’t lie.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You have not tasted everything yet. Better get on it.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Sometimes you need look no further for a vacation than just beyond your front door. Sometimes you need to get the hell out of Dodge. Dodge wins this month.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You have clothes that you should never wear again. Don’t.