Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Words of wisdom from a Street Roots vendor: “It ain’t the spot it’s the repertoire, most of the time. You can have the worst spot and still do good.” Be polite this holiday season and good things will come to you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Don’t let other people’s hang-ups become yours. Some people profess to know nothing, some people know it all, but most know what they know and so do you. Embrace your universal knowledge and mental equality!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Reach out to an animal in a kind and supportive way. It will be the easiest thing you do this week, which should give you an idea of what kind of a ballbuster December you have ahead of you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Grab some romance! You’ve earned it! Soup Can can’t remember the last time we cuddled with our Super Nova honeybuns, but the stars always come around. You’ll be smokin’ hot by the 28th.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Yo, cyclists, listen up! It’s wet, it’s cold and it’s dark. Suit up appropriately and remember this: a burning American Spirit will not, I repeat, WILL NOT serve as an appropriate light to protect you from the crash you’re about to cause. Wear a helmet and leave the fixie at home.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’ve set your goals, now forget them once in a while. They’ll still be there even if you journey down the wrong tracks for the weekend. But you will have to turn around and come back to get them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Don’t give up on the job search! A new and exciting career in policy-making could be yours! There will be a few openings at City Hall soon enough.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Step lightly. There are lots of rats in this town. Some bigger than others.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Hawaii, the first state to attempt it (and subsequently affirming a constitutional ban on it) finally legalized same-sex marriage. Did somebody say FABULOUS destination wedding paradise? OREGON 2014!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Opportunity will knock three times this month. Stalkers often do. Upgrade your locks.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Despite a few bad eggs in your basket this month, you will not get sick right away.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) JP Morgan Chase was fined $13 billion for destroying the economy in 2008. This after taking untold hundreds of millions in government bailout aid... And get this, the settlement is TAX DEDUCTIBLE. Put that in your glass pipe and smoke it. But only if you live in Washington or Colorado. OREGON 2014!