Welcome to the new edition of Street Roots. We have given up. You’ll see our apathy and disgust outlined in the next 15 pages of the newspaper. Due to the lack of good news happening in the world and our lack of ability to keep up with it, we’ve decided to change our format to a satirical platform.
Street Roots will now say whatever we want, whenever we want, attributing anything we want, to anyone we want. While newspapers across the city are cutting back, these changes will allow SR to be more competitive and cut as many journalistic corners as possible. Ethics? We’ve also decided nat 2 cpy edt anymore; either. Why?
“Newsrooms across the city are scaling back,” says Street Roots’ publisher. “We think this will help us cut our editorial costs significantly and compete with other newsrooms. Plus, Street Roots can actually start telling the truth about most of the horse-trading that actually makes this city run. It’s going to be one big sh*t-storm when it’s all said and done.”
In this edition of the newspaper, we start with questions and answers with the mayoral candidates, completely ignore the city council candidates and give readers a look into what really happens when a family goes to IKEA. We claim to talk to President Obama, trash every other media outlet in the city and tell how the police bureau is the only organization in the city that is off-limits to anyone at city hall. Wait, that’s not satirical.
The next edition of the newspaper will cover the life and times of local travel and entertainment writers who make half a living off of getting smashed at local breweries and reporting on it. We will also be looking at just why people who live in Portland actually start to believe in March that the rain will stop in April. Not happening people.
Local politicians called the move by Street Roots disappointing, but noted that it’s mostly just wasted space anyway, unless of course, “They make us look good and put us on the cover. Then we love them.”
Readers are thought to be more confused than ever. After battling stereotypes for years that Street Roots was a paper for “those people.” (You know, the homeless.) One observer noted that they always thought SR was a religious pamphlet, like “Awakening.”
A spokesperson for Street Roots didn’t disagree, saying reading the new format is going to be one hell of an awakening for some people. Politicians and high-profile people around the region are already exploring bringing legal action against the paper and have made inquiries with the Oregon Attorney General.
Street Roots made up several responses to the allegations saying, “We hadn’t realized the courts were actually interested in justice, especially post 9-11. It’s not like we’re torturing anyone, and even if we were, we feel pretty confident that’s constitutional too.”
Readers have responded to the changes with mixed reviews. One thing is clear said one reader, “Street Roots needs to shorten its editorials in the future, if not remove them altogether for the lack of concentration and depth.”
Street Roots produces an annual satirical edition of the newspaper each year on April 1. Support your local neighborhood vendor today and have a laugh on us.