Unpaid staff
A 38-year-old pot dealer named Curtis says he is worried
that Oregon may soon legalize pot.
“I’ve made a living off of selling overpriced pot to college
kids my entire life,” says Curtis. “What am I going to do if they legalize.
I’ve got a good life living on my girlfriend’s couch.”
A handful of elected officials in Salem have finally
gathered up the gumption to seriously talk about the legalization of the
“drug.” After spending the majority of their careers secretly getting high and
writing “policy” in their basement after
their partners and kids go to bed, a draft has come to light. A public hearing
will be held later this month.
It’s thought that middle-aged men and women, especially
musicians and artists will actually testify against the bill.
“You know, I’ve gone to marijuana festivals my entire life,”
says Carly. “I’ve signed a lot of petitions. So many I can’t remember. I never
actually thought they would legalize the stuff. I have to make a living.”
Moderate Democrats are thought to be weighing their options
— knowing that they’ll need all the money they can get for their “Bridge to
Nowhere” project.
No one has actually asked or cares what Oregon Republicans
think about the bill. The state GOP is thought to be working with a friend of a
friend’s cousin in Clackamas to organize an opposition. The group is mostly
made up of Randy Travis fans from Oregon City and Portland hippies — forging a
unique alliance calling itself the “Tea and Leaf Club.”
“I don’t know about all of that,” says Curtis, while passing
the bowl. “That would require me to get off the couch too. I’m so not liking
all of this.”
The bill will be rolled out to the public later this month.
This article is part of Street Roots’ annual satire edition released each year for April Fools Day.
This article appears in 2013-04-01.