Pisces (Feb. 19 –
March 20) Boss caught you looking at ESPN again? Woops. At least you’ll be
able to rattle off statistics about his favorite sports teams. You can brown
nose and catch up on your sports news, too.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Forget the iPhone today.
Dust off your palm pilot: pens and hands at the ready. Careful how you fall
asleep though, or you will have face pilot.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) There are asteroids in your
sky. Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson says not to worry; but Astrologist Soup
Can says otherwise. Football-field sized asteroids are in your orbit, you can
thank Atari for equipping you with skills necessary to get through the worst of
it. Spin quickly and face them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) I saw a Segway in the bike
lane on my way to the astrology center this week. Rude. Don’t be that person.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Cut your toenails! Stop
looking at them, being uncomfortable, and wishing you did something about it.
Just do it, those toes are nasty.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Stand for something. Then talk
about it for 13 hours. Ask questions. A la Rand Paul goes to Washington. Demand
answers.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Public transportation is the
instant grits of social psychology experiments. Take a bunch of strangers, put
‘em in a confined space, add a little stress (moreso if we’re talking about
TriMet), and voila, the ultimate people watching experience. Who needs TV when
you’ve got the bus?!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Hear that mewing? It’s your
cat. The cat people called and had a few suggestions: 1) Get the scoopable
litter. 2) Make sure it has the right food. 3) Do not put tape on its paws or
it will resign as your pet and send a letter to PETA.
Scopio (Oct. 23-Dec. 22) I would like to think you’re
going to have a good month. But the reality is, it’s probably not going to
happen Scorpio. Get over it. Move on. You can shed all that bad energy in April
and get on with it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) Snowquester. Too
clever. I am taking that person’s job. Soup Can Sam, staff astrologist &
meteorologist. Here come the combination political weather puns.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) Don’t worry about that
door that recently closed on you, as others are sure to open up. But do
yourself a favor and remember to rap on the bathroom door before opening up
that one. Some things are best left unseen.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Beware the Ides of March.
Also beware of people speaking in Shakespearean sonnets — year round.
This article appears in 2013-03-15.