Staph Reports
A spokesperson for
the Oregon Republican Party wants cyclists in Oregon to be tested for
performance-enhancing drugs before receiving any more funds from the state’s
transportation budget.
“It’s clear that
the majority of cyclists, especially those with their Lance Armstrong
look-alike outfits, could be doping,” says Jerry Roadchester, R-Pendleton. “We
may even ask for some funds back.”
Cycling parents
across the state were already scrambling to explain to their children that
Lance Armstrong was actually not a role model after defending him over the past
10 years.
“My mom and dad
lied,” said a tearful Jimmy, 11, who said he was once one of Armstrong’s
biggest fans and whose family had donated to Armstrong’s foundation.
A spokesperson for
Portland’s cycling community says that while many of the cyclists in Portland
may be doping, they aren’t actually using performance-enhancing drugs. “We’ll
admit that many cyclist in Portland are riding around stoned, but that steroids
were not their drug of choice.”
Republicans
described the doping allegations among Oregon cyclists as being a threat to the
values and morals that made this country great.
Joe, a 45-year-old
skateboarder, declined to comment on this issue, but passed along a knowing
head nod during our interviews.
This article is part of Street Roots’ annual satire edition released each year for April Fools Day.
This article appears in 2013-04-01.