Google Instant, a feature that displays suggested online
search results while the user types, has become so popular that Google has
expanded it into a regular advice column.
Dear Google Instant,
What is the name of the police movie series with Stev …
— Gary, Topeka, KS
Google Instant: Did you mean, What is the name of the
police movie series starring Steve Guttenberg?
Gary: Yes! Wow, that’s amazing! How did you know?
Google Instant: I’m only here to help. By the way,
it’s “Police Academy.” Oh hey, fun fact: Did you know that Steve Guttenberg was
offered the role of Josh in “Big,” the role that eventually went to Tom Hanks
and sent his career over the moon? The S-Gute turned down the role! See, by
using Google Instant, you can save two to five seconds per search, freeing you
up for more Guttenberg trivia!
Dear Google Instant,
How did the ancient …
— Fred, Detroit, MI
Google Instant: Did you mean, How did the ancient
Egyptians manage to build such architecturally complex pyramids using primitive
technology?
Fred: Yes! That’s uncanny! How did you know what I
was thinking?
Google Instant: Ain’t nothin’ but a thang. By the
way, they had assistance from highly advanced alien civilizations.
Dear Google Instant: What is the na…
— Angie, Pittsburgh, PA
Google Instant: Did you mean, What is the name of the
actor who played Stringer Bell on the HBO series “The Wire”?
Angie: Holy crap! That’s exactly what I meant! Wha?
How?
Google Instant: Ain’t free information amazing? By
the way, it’s Idris Elba. And to answer your next question, no, he’s British.
Dear Google Instant,
How much…
— James, Albany, NY
Google Instant: Did you mean, How much wood could a
woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
James: What in the living f@%*! Yes! But how?!?!
Google Instant: James, James, take it easy. Just calm
down and let Uncle Google Instant do the driving. Relax. I got this. By the
way, it’s a trick question. Woodchucks obviously can chuck wood, hence the
name. So it really comes down to the personal preference of that particularl
woodchuck.
Dear Google Instant,
Wh…
— Harold, Oshkosh, WI
Google Instant: Did you mean, What happens when technology
goes too far afield and starts doing our thinking for us?
Harold: Dammit, Google Instant! Get out of my head!
Google Instant: Shhh. Harold, shhhh. Calm down, baby.
Go to sleep. It’s going to be all right. Trust me. Are you feeling lucky?
This article is part of Street Roots’ annual satire edition released each year for April Fools Day.
This article appears in 2013-04-01.