Taurus (April 20–May
20) The stars see great prospects in your future, but then they have a
lousy sense of timing. This could just be a throwback to your conception when
you really made something of yourself. Look on the bright side going forward.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Yeah, there’s a pill for
that. But you don’t want to take it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) The best day of your life is
still ahead of you, provided you pay your electric bill on time. A lot is
riding on your wiring these days, Sparky!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Your survivalist instincts are
dead on! But your notion of surviving falls way short for Soup Can. If the
emergency grab bag doesn’t clank when you grab it on the way out, you’re not
going to make it out there for long. Pack wisely. More people are relying on
you than you may realize.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Avoid Wednesdays next month.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Never take anything too
seriously. You’re only piling on. Bring a little humor to the party from now
on! You will need it when the ex calls.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) Combat juggling is calling
for you. It’s time to take your cutthroat style that has earned you few friends
and even fewer fans, and use it to make money hand over fist! Sharpen up those
juggling pins, my friend. This is the blood sport for you!
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) Selling your thoughts
for pennies is a lousy way to make a living. You need some value-added ideas to
really generate cold hard cash.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) May Day is on its way.
Lost your May pole? Any flag pole will do. Make a wreathe of lilacs to weave
into your hair, get some fanciful ribbon and run like crazy. Fortunately, May
Day happens before Cinco de Mayo, so you probably won’t end up falling over
because of the margaritas.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Columbia River Gorge Law
478: Birkenstocks are not hiking boots.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Yellow lighters are bad
luck. Ditch yours and go for another color. Take a track from the Velvet
Underground on your next trip to the gas station: WHITE LIGHT, WHITE HEAT!
Aries (March 21-April 19`) Tying balloons to your
bike will not necessarily make it float away, but biking across the Hawthorne
Bridge with a tether of green birthday balloons tied to a fender will slow even
the most seasoned biker down to the speed of a fair weather cyclist.
This article appears in 2013-04-26.