Opinion
Fear and Loathing in the Cascades
If I’d written all the truth I knew for the past 10 years, about all of the elected officials in office in Oregon, I would be rotting in prison cells from Coffee Creek to the Eastern Oregon Correctional Facility. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism. A…
It’s that time of year again: Ask the managing editor
Once a year we open up a page to answer your most pressing questions. And then, every spring, we do this thing, apropos of nothing. Dear Managing Editor, It must be very challenging in this day and age to keep producing a newspaper. How do you compete with the fast cycle of information churned out…
Just when you thought it was safe to return to the sidewalk
Street Roots Editorial You know, we were just about to give up on writing editorials. That whole economic/social justice thing is exhausting when no one is paying attention. And then, Christmas came early – or actually a little late. Maybe it was Easter that came early, whatever. The local Chamber of Commerce clumsily rolled out…
We’re red hot potatoes, if I do say so myself
It’s official! Street Roots is changing its format to online satire. We’ve given up on the idea of reporting real news. We’ve begged and borrowed to fund our journalism department for far too long. Newspapers are changing. Profit margins are down and Street Roots can no longer afford to produce the quality content that readers…
Ask Google Instant: It knows what you mean!
Google Instant, a feature that displays suggested online search results while the user types, has become so popular that Google has expanded it into a regular advice column. Dear Google Instant, What is the name of the police movie series with Stev … — Gary, Topeka, KS Google Instant: Did you mean, What is the…
News
Street Roots ends paper run
Staff reports While other newspapers have jibber-jabbered for years about dropping the printed page for a total digital delivery, Street Roots is actually making the leap! As of April 1, Street Roots will be ending its printed publication in favor of an enhanced online media outlet. Hormuth Williams, head of the SR vendor union, says…
New consultants on bridge to nowhere
Staff Reports Project managers for the Columbia River Crossing, also known as the “Bridge to Nowhere II,” announced today that the $27 billion project will get a new consultant in the spring. “We’re really happy to be bringing on Sarah Palin,” says Richer Bytheday, a spokesperson for the project. “We know that by completing this…
Indy band ‘Ironic’ content to influence youths with deep, thoughtful lyrics
by Seriously Guest writer No one suspected that a group of 20-something musicians who live off their parents’ trust funds would form the band “Ironic.” But probably no one wishes they hadn’t. The group’s second release, titled “Deep,” is eagerly awaited by a younger audience of new listeners in need of a fresh sound. The…
Media round-up
A snapshot of what’s happening this week in Portland’s top rags and mags The Portland Monthly is featuring the Top 10 headlines published by the magazine in 2012. Coming in at number four was, “Oregon is beautiful.” Number three; “Oregon is beautiful on red wine.” Number Two; “Beer and wine makes Oregon look beautiful.”…
Society News
Elder accidentally creates Perry Mason Facebook event The granddaughter of a 68-year-old woman named Edith recently taught her grandmother how to use Facebook. “I was so excited and overwhelmed at the same time,” says Edith. “I’m still confused about the difference between a post and a wall is, but I’m trying.” Edith says that while…
Pot bill confuses everyone involved
Unpaid staff A 38-year-old pot dealer named Curtis says he is worried that Oregon may soon legalize pot. “I’ve made a living off of selling overpriced pot to college kids my entire life,” says Curtis. “What am I going to do if they legalize. I’ve got a good life living on my girlfriend’s couch.” A…
News briefs (and boxers): Governor signs sponsorship deal with Nike
Governor signs sponsorship deal with Nike Go. John Kitzhaber recently signed a sponsorship deal with Nike worth several hundred million dollars. The governor says he feels that the Oregon-based shoe giant has been key to his ongoing success and that he couldn’t be more happy about the deal. “It’s a real honor for a country…
Business round-up: Groups work to move homeless across downtown
Groups work to move homeless across downtown The local Chamber of Commerce is working on a strategy to move homeless youth downtown from SW 3rd and Stark to SW 5th and Alder. It’s thought that nearly 60 staffers from City Hall, nonprofits and the business community will be working on the plan. It’s the group’s…
VA T-shirt program expected to boost morale
Staff Reports Department of Veterans Affairs officials announced yesterday that it is commemorating the 10-year anniversary of the Iraq War with a new T-shirt. Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki told reporters via teleconference that the VA will begin issuing commemorative T-shirts to all combat veterans. “Our vets have been having some problems once they…
SOLD! Until they pissed it away
The Heidelmoss family of Greensboro, Ind., (above) were ready to close on their dream home last week when they learned they would have to submit to urine and blood analysis in order to receive their mortgage. The policy is a new law that requires families prove their sobriety when they receive tax dollars to help…
Oregon Republicans want cyclists drug tested
Staph Reports A spokesperson for the Oregon Republican Party wants cyclists in Oregon to be tested for performance-enhancing drugs before receiving any more funds from the state’s transportation budget. “It’s clear that the majority of cyclists, especially those with their Lance Armstrong look-alike outfits, could be doping,” says Jerry Roadchester, R-Pendleton. “We may even ask…
Poetry & Art
Soup Can Kanye: April 1-April 12, 2013
Aries (March 21–April 19) If I was a shorty, I would love it if my parents went to PHUKET for vacay so I could keep pronouncing it wrong on purpose in front of them. Taurus (April 20-May 20) There are so many broken systems from the economy to school systems jail systems … We need…
